Why God Exists: The Irrefutable Argument (at Last)

Just look at the universe! A new humanoid fossil was recently found in Ethiopia, and a whole gaggle of bones from an intermediate humanoid species in South Africa. Further evidence in the existence of God, contrary to what antitheists like Richard Dawkins might believe.

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As an author (17 books), a scientist (phrenology), a philosopher (epistemology and logic), historian (world religions) and theologian, and through many decades of interdisciplinary studies, I have developed a simple argument for the existence of God, in complete agreement with the principle of Ockham’s razor, dispelling the need of the overly-complicated ontological arguments of those vapid and boring religious apologists. If I sound immodest, please withhold your disapproval until you’ve read what follows.

We live in a virtual infinity of stars, planets, galaxies and solar systems. We haven’t even begun to map them all, as our instruments are as yet too primitive. Our little planet is akin to a bacterium on a speck of dust on a leaf of a tree on a massive forested continent. Yet that analogy can’t even give us much of an appreciation of how small our world is compared to the cosmos it inhabits.

The most amazing thing is that the creator of all of this unimaginable wonder took the time to set out in detail the rules that we ─ not even significant enough to be microbes on this scale ─ must live by. For example, He is concerned that we not eat ham. Pigs are dirty, after all. Also, we must worship Him constantly, now and for all eternity, or face eternal damnation. He is adamant that the female of our species be conspicuously modest and subservient to her male masters, to the point of being chattel. (This is almost self-evident, but God knows of course that some of us less intelligent humans might be tempted by the Devil’s fatuous proposal that women are somehow equal to men.) He tends His cosmological garden by forming galaxies and destroying others, over billions of years (a blink of an eye on God’s timescale); He commands stars to swell into orange giants, enveloping and killing their orbiting planets by the trillions; He simultaneously muses about his own handiwork ─ the beauty of the force of gravity bending light and reversing time. He awes his subjects with miracles so amazing we can barely comprehend them ─ like burning bushes and pigs possessed by demons ─ and he heals the blind and cancerous (but somehow has not explained as yet His grudge against amputees). Despite this, our Creator still shows concern about what we molecules on this minuscule bacterium wear for clothing, and in what positions we copulate. The fact that we are even a remotest concern to Him demonstrates what a devoted Father he is! He takes sides in our tribal squabbles, and hears every one of our prayers. He thinks it best that we stone to death disobedient children, modify the genitals of the obedient ones by cutting parts off, and kill adulterers (only the females of our species of course). He commands us to kill our neighbors who cut their lawns on Sundays (we in the West have unwisely mostly abandoned this commandment, and thus are plagued by tornadoes and floods).

We are right to worship him, as his benevolent concern for the wellbeing and moral character of such a tiny species on such an infinitesimally small corner of the cosmos is evidence of his love.

God, of course, blessed us with big brains, which came up with something called the scientific method. We should worship him for that as well. Through this method of inquiry, we discovered that our Earth was formed about 4.5 billion years ago, which seems to conflict with the Holy Scriptures, but then again, it was we who were taking dictation from God, and being human, we were bound to get some things wrong.  (The skeptic might protest at this point that God could have just given us the Word, avoiding the inevitable errors of transcription, to which I reply yet again: Who can know the mind of God?) Anthropologists tell us that we Homo sapiens have graced its surface for a couple of hundred thousand years. For the vast majority of that time, our lives were nasty, brutish, and short, to borrow a phrase from Hobbes. Those of us that did not die in childbirth were lucky to live into our twenties, dying from things like simple infections or burst appendix. We lived in tribes and fought brutal and deadly wars for resources and women and territory. Not an ideal situation, to be sure.

But now for the real proof. What follows is a modified argument once made by the late Christopher Hitchens (who is surely as I speak boiling in excrement for eternity), and as you will undoubtedly note, I turn Hitchens’ pompous argument on its head.

God watched this for the vast majority of our species’ existence, but then quite recently decided this would not do. Why he waited so long is uncertain, but is would be silly to think we can know everything. Nevertheless, a few thousand years ago He decided to reveal Himself and command us to be moral with the carrot of immortal bliss and the stick of eternal damnation. (Who does not understand the power of reward and punishment?) It is wholly unapparent why this was necessary, as being all-powerful and all-knowing, it seems that he could have simply commanded us to goodness, but then we wouldn’t have free will; wait, I think actually the Bible denies free will. Never mind. Let me get back to my point. But instead of revealing himself to all people at the same time across the planet, or even less ambitiously to the most populated literate continent at the time (Asia), he chose an inconspicuous patch of desert inhabited by semi-literate nomads. This indeed seems odd, but he is God, after all, so what right do we have to question him?

So there, refute that, Hitchens! (Oh, I forgot, you’re in Hell.)

It has often been said that:

If we reduce the age of the earth to our own familiar 24-hour day, the time that elapsed prior to the appearance of humans is 23 hours and 58 minutes. And of the two remaining minutes, which represents the time of humans on earth, the period of civilization is less than the last ½ second. Given this time scale, is should be no surprise that we know almost nothing; certainly what we don’t know vastly dwarfs what knowledge we have sown from science so far in our still brief awakening to sentient existence.

That quotation represents the illogical piffle of unbelievers. The author was obviously a retard. Of course we know all that we need to know! It has been revealed to us through the Bible (Jewish or Christian, take your pick)! Or the Qur’an (if you’re into false religions and false prophets), or the Book of Mormon (there’s actually a good argument that Jesus went to Missouri after his resurrection), or Scientology (who are we to say that our bodies are not inhabited by Thetans?).

So there you have it. Religion ─ it’s what’s for dinner. Any questions?

 

© 2015 by Glen Olives. N.B., Glen Olives Thompson is neither a phrenologist, book author, philosopher, historian or theologian.