Why God Exists: The Irrefutable Argument (at Last)

Just look at the universe! A new humanoid fossil was recently found in Ethiopia, and a whole gaggle of bones from an intermediate humanoid species in South Africa. Further evidence in the existence of God, contrary to what antitheists like Richard Dawkins might believe.

god

As an author (17 books), a scientist (phrenology), a philosopher (epistemology and logic), historian (world religions) and theologian, and through many decades of interdisciplinary studies, I have developed a simple argument for the existence of God, in complete agreement with the principle of Ockham’s razor, dispelling the need of the overly-complicated ontological arguments of those vapid and boring religious apologists. If I sound immodest, please withhold your disapproval until you’ve read what follows.

We live in a virtual infinity of stars, planets, galaxies and solar systems. We haven’t even begun to map them all, as our instruments are as yet too primitive. Our little planet is akin to a bacterium on a speck of dust on a leaf of a tree on a massive forested continent. Yet that analogy can’t even give us much of an appreciation of how small our world is compared to the cosmos it inhabits.

The most amazing thing is that the creator of all of this unimaginable wonder took the time to set out in detail the rules that we ─ not even significant enough to be microbes on this scale ─ must live by. For example, He is concerned that we not eat ham. Pigs are dirty, after all. Also, we must worship Him constantly, now and for all eternity, or face eternal damnation. He is adamant that the female of our species be conspicuously modest and subservient to her male masters, to the point of being chattel. (This is almost self-evident, but God knows of course that some of us less intelligent humans might be tempted by the Devil’s fatuous proposal that women are somehow equal to men.) He tends His cosmological garden by forming galaxies and destroying others, over billions of years (a blink of an eye on God’s timescale); He commands stars to swell into orange giants, enveloping and killing their orbiting planets by the trillions; He simultaneously muses about his own handiwork ─ the beauty of the force of gravity bending light and reversing time. He awes his subjects with miracles so amazing we can barely comprehend them ─ like burning bushes and pigs possessed by demons ─ and he heals the blind and cancerous (but somehow has not explained as yet His grudge against amputees). Despite this, our Creator still shows concern about what we molecules on this minuscule bacterium wear for clothing, and in what positions we copulate. The fact that we are even a remotest concern to Him demonstrates what a devoted Father he is! He takes sides in our tribal squabbles, and hears every one of our prayers. He thinks it best that we stone to death disobedient children, modify the genitals of the obedient ones by cutting parts off, and kill adulterers (only the females of our species of course). He commands us to kill our neighbors who cut their lawns on Sundays (we in the West have unwisely mostly abandoned this commandment, and thus are plagued by tornadoes and floods).

We are right to worship him, as his benevolent concern for the wellbeing and moral character of such a tiny species on such an infinitesimally small corner of the cosmos is evidence of his love.

God, of course, blessed us with big brains, which came up with something called the scientific method. We should worship him for that as well. Through this method of inquiry, we discovered that our Earth was formed about 4.5 billion years ago, which seems to conflict with the Holy Scriptures, but then again, it was we who were taking dictation from God, and being human, we were bound to get some things wrong.  (The skeptic might protest at this point that God could have just given us the Word, avoiding the inevitable errors of transcription, to which I reply yet again: Who can know the mind of God?) Anthropologists tell us that we Homo sapiens have graced its surface for a couple of hundred thousand years. For the vast majority of that time, our lives were nasty, brutish, and short, to borrow a phrase from Hobbes. Those of us that did not die in childbirth were lucky to live into our twenties, dying from things like simple infections or burst appendix. We lived in tribes and fought brutal and deadly wars for resources and women and territory. Not an ideal situation, to be sure.

But now for the real proof. What follows is a modified argument once made by the late Christopher Hitchens (who is surely as I speak boiling in excrement for eternity), and as you will undoubtedly note, I turn Hitchens’ pompous argument on its head.

God watched this for the vast majority of our species’ existence, but then quite recently decided this would not do. Why he waited so long is uncertain, but is would be silly to think we can know everything. Nevertheless, a few thousand years ago He decided to reveal Himself and command us to be moral with the carrot of immortal bliss and the stick of eternal damnation. (Who does not understand the power of reward and punishment?) It is wholly unapparent why this was necessary, as being all-powerful and all-knowing, it seems that he could have simply commanded us to goodness, but then we wouldn’t have free will; wait, I think actually the Bible denies free will. Never mind. Let me get back to my point. But instead of revealing himself to all people at the same time across the planet, or even less ambitiously to the most populated literate continent at the time (Asia), he chose an inconspicuous patch of desert inhabited by semi-literate nomads. This indeed seems odd, but he is God, after all, so what right do we have to question him?

So there, refute that, Hitchens! (Oh, I forgot, you’re in Hell.)

It has often been said that:

If we reduce the age of the earth to our own familiar 24-hour day, the time that elapsed prior to the appearance of humans is 23 hours and 58 minutes. And of the two remaining minutes, which represents the time of humans on earth, the period of civilization is less than the last ½ second. Given this time scale, is should be no surprise that we know almost nothing; certainly what we don’t know vastly dwarfs what knowledge we have sown from science so far in our still brief awakening to sentient existence.

That quotation represents the illogical piffle of unbelievers. The author was obviously a retard. Of course we know all that we need to know! It has been revealed to us through the Bible (Jewish or Christian, take your pick)! Or the Qur’an (if you’re into false religions and false prophets), or the Book of Mormon (there’s actually a good argument that Jesus went to Missouri after his resurrection), or Scientology (who are we to say that our bodies are not inhabited by Thetans?).

So there you have it. Religion ─ it’s what’s for dinner. Any questions?

 

© 2015 by Glen Olives. N.B., Glen Olives Thompson is neither a phrenologist, book author, philosopher, historian or theologian.

Five Profession to Avoid

As the academic year gets going, college Freshmen are taking their general education courses and contemplating majors, hunting for the hot new professions that might allow them to pay their crippling student loan debts, often eschewing what might actually interest them.

As it turns out, the hottest new profession ─ and the one that pays the least ─ is robot[1], but I’d rather just focus on humans for now. There’s lots to choose from if you look labor statistics and employment trends. All the STEM related professions are good bets, for example. There’s an embarrassment of choices, so to make things easier I’ll start at the other end and give my opinion on what professions to absolutely avoid, but not because they won’t make you rich. They’re just useless to our species.

Drumroll, please.

dog whisperer

  1. Dog Whisperer. I’m with Leo Rosten on this one. Dogs are assholes. They’re insufferably needy. They require constant attention and praise, unfailingly to be found at your feet, begging for approval, saying, “Look at me, look at me, don’t you love me?” Kind of like god. Cats, on the other hand, are cool. They don’t give a shit. Forget to feed them? Not a problem. They’ll hunt down a rodent or dig through your neighbor’s trash, which is okay because your neighbors are Mormons and Mormon trash doesn’t contain anything interesting. No makeshift bongs made from apples, no porn, not even coffee grounds (what a scandal that would be). But we have to pay someone $200 an hour to psychologically analyze our dogs and tell us the reason he pisses on the sofa? Cats don’t need professional advice or life coaches, they’re just ‘livin it.

Let me save you the money. Dog’s piss on the furniture because they’re dogs. My wife recently got mad at me for refusing to give our impetuously spoiled asshole of a miniature poodle a piece of steak. Really? He eats three squares, sleeps all day, occasionally finds the energy to shit, and I still need to feed him prime steak? When I was a kid, our dogs licked their balls, laid around all day, humped an available leg on occasion, and seemed perfectly content without the advice from experts. He (a barky little bastard of a miniature poodle) was recently neutered, but retains his scrotum for some odd reason. I woke up last week in the wee hours of the morning with a distinctly uncomfortable feeling. I couldn’t breathe. Was I having a heart attack? No. Our dog found a comfortable sleeping position on my face, backwards. His scrotum (devoid of their original contents) was comfortably resting within my left eye socket, his penis (flaccid, thankfully) laying across the bridge of my nose, and his chocolate starfish stuck to my forehead. I did what any reasonable person would do at 3 a.m. I threw him across the room, where he hit the wall, and then found another place to sleep, far away from my face. But I’m still being accused of domestic violence on canines. Thankfully, we live in Mexico and these types of criminal complaints are not high on the priority list of local police.

lumberjack

  1. Lumberjack. I’m not a tree-hugger. But stop killing trees. Granted, they’re not great conversationalists, but they do absorb our carbon dioxide and give us oxygen. Occasionally they fall on us and crush us, but apparently without felonious intent. And their wood makes horrible building material. It rots and needs to be constantly replaced. Like fat people at IHOP on Sunday mornings, termites find wood delicious. Is there some shortage of concrete in the world? Where I live, houses are made of concrete, rebar and brick. Good stuff – sturdy, inorganic and plentiful. No other useful purpose, really. Gets stronger with time. Yet in America, we continue building with cotton candy and fussing about our leaky roofs. Get over it. Get some concrete and rebar and build a house that will last a thousand years.

fashionista

3. Fashionista. I get some things about fashion. Don’t wear white after Labor Day (or is it before? Or is it Memorial Day? I could Google it, but I can’t seem to care enough to make the effort). Pony tails on men with male pattern baldness look stupid. Sporting your pajamas in Wal-Mart probably isn’t great. If you’ve got a fat ass, you might want to avoid stretch pants (unless it’s one of those Brazilian butts ─ fat, but in a good way). If gravity is winning the war on your boobs, a bra is probably not a bad idea. If you’re a business professional, a stifling, uncomfortable suit and tie is inferior to a loose blazer and a t-shirt, but baggy cargo shorts and a puke-stained wife-beater might be under-doing it a bit. Steve Jobs got it about right: comfortable jeans and a black shirt. Neither too pompous nor too avant-garde. But where fashion becomes art is I lose it. Did anyone watch New York Fashion Week last year? WTF? Bone-bags on the runway wearing the most bizarre shit I’ve ever seen; flopping off the stage like so much wind-blown litter, either from anemia or ill-fitting high heels. No one would dare wear that shit on the street for fear of public ridicule and spontaneous laughter ─ not just a role of the eyes, I’m talking side-splitting, eye-watering, spittle-flecked eyeglasses type of laughter. Maybe it’s just a blind spot I have with high fashion. But I still wouldn’t risk it. You’ll have to be constantly explaining to people what the color puce actually is, and debating with the seriousness of thought akin to opposing anthropologists, such things as the best belt lines and shoe types for summer. Spend your life doing that if you like.

preacher

2. Theologians and preachers. I group these two together, but for different reasons. Let’s start with theologians. Universities employ them. They’re listened to on talk shows. They’re deferred to by politicians and pundits. They’re also full of shit. The most common response to a difficult moral problem like, “Should apostates be killed?” is “I’m not a theologian.” Well, a literate person doesn’t really have to be an expert on theology to be able to read and interpret religious texts written by semi-literate Bronze Age cave dwellers. God could have, of course, told us how to pasteurize eggs, the germ theory of disease, that our appendix are useless vestiges of evolution (for which he also owes us a long-overdue apology) and how to fix them when they burst, but he instead gave us more useful information, such as how to properly sacrifice a goat, and avoid eating ham (the latter apparently displeases him greatly). But killing our adult male enemies and reserving their virgins as sex slaves? That’s cool. My 9 year old daughter recently asked me to tell her the story of Noah’s Ark. On one of her trips to Catholic Sunday school with my mother in law, she’d heard something about this. So I told the story, without criticism, without laughing (okay, I chuckled a couple of times). To my surprise and infinite delight, she had some questions. Like, “How did the Koalas from Australia get all the way to Mesopotamia – I don’t think they can swim.” (Thank you Discovery Channel.) But even more poignantly, “Did god drown babies too?” Yup. “Did no one else have a boat?” Apparently not. “Hmm,” She said. “I’m going to have to think about that,” before turning her attention back to her newest doll, a “Neonatal” named “Cocada.” I’m lobbying her to be awarded an honorary PhD from Harvard Divinity School. These least interesting religious authorities are the ones that try to square the circle, equivocate, overuse casuistry, and lend credence to alternative interpretations of obvious literal religious texts by employing the tools of parable, metaphor and allegory. While being a theologian might be an interesting profession, it requires seriously strenuous mental gymnastics, and it doesn’t even pay all that well.

Evangelical preachers, however, can make some serious bank by selling something that doesn’t even exist. Now that takes talent. But consider something first. What if you accidentally get it right and your particular religious truth (thousands to choose from) is exactly the one god likes? You’ll be bound to spend eternity in heaven with the likes of Jerry Falwell, Adolph Hitler, and Jesus (an annoying pseudo-hippy philosopher wearing Birkenstocks and casting demons into pigs for fun) ─ the boss’s son is always the worst. And you know what? Anthropologists tell us that Jesus was probably about five feet tall, dark skinned and clean shaven, just like your gardener with the same name. No, no. I’m all-in for hell, for boiling in fiery excrement forever with the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Bertrand Russell and Christopher Hitchens. Much better company, if you ask me.

nutritionist

  1. Nutritionist. Why are you fat and have heart disease? This just in to the newsroom: you eat too much. Once eggs were the culprit. (Try to find an LA restaurant serving omelets with yolks in the 90’s.) Then saturated animal fat became the boogey man.  Turns out now they’re okay now. Protein is now the greatest evil, but vegans die with the same frequency and have the same life expectancy of Paleo activists. Margarine, it now turns out, is worse than butter. Avocados, we’re told, once the anathema of healthy eating, are actually good for you. The Mediterranean diet? Piffle. Coffee causes heart disease and cancer? Nope, it’s actually really good for your liver, among other things. Salt bad for you? Not at all. We now know that the increase in blood pressure from excess salt intake gives an almost infinitesimally small result. Some things are still apparently bad for us, like bacon and sugar, but you can’t have it all. Breakfast is the most important meal, and will increase your metabolism throughout the day? Bullshit. Why have the food sciences gotten things so wrong on so many levels over the years? One possible answer is that journalists have sensationalized scientific studies which may only point to weak correlations between some foods and health ─ they get paid to write headlines, after all. Or it could be that many studies link ill health with certain foods, without providing good causal links, which get debunked in further more thorough studies with wider control groups. Or my theory: there’s not much money in telling people the simple truth. Eat what you like, but less of it. There seems to be a growing body of evidence that this is the answer. But, it’s much more profitable to keep people on fad diet after fad diet, to promote new “super foods”, to extoll the virtues of whatever low fat commodity your industry needs to boost revenue. “Big Food” has more influence on U.S. dietary guidelines than one might think. Of course the health supplement industry is the worst of the worst at charlatanry. It turns out that chewable vitamins are about as effective as chewing on the gangrenous rectal warts of a homeless man. And just as pleasant.

So get on with life and avoid the above. Follow your passions and your intellectual curiosity. Be the best at something, or if not the best, just good, or if not good, well, just don’t suck. The money will follow, and even if it doesn’t you’ll have a better and more fulfilling life than if you simply choose a career based solely on employment trends.

 

© 2015 by Glen Olives Thompson.

[1] According to an Oxford University study, 47 percent of all jobs will be taken over by thinking machines by 2034, including the following professions and trades: bakers, journalists, drivers, farm workers, paralegals, pharmacy workers, some medical workers and technicians, real estate agents, airport security and customs officers, and airline pilots.